What a Pleasure

for some reason, listening to beach fossils on xm radio on the way home from watching cedar rapids at rivertown mall around 9pm, it really struck me. for a moment, i was driving my car down the interstate of some unknown highway, leaving everything else behind. i was starting over. i was imagining my life as it could be, completely different. i was getting a fresh start.

sometimes i get so tired of memories. sometimes i feel dull pain all over. and i still wonder what life is all about.

"the moratorium on brains..."

"...for the sake of pity, not justice, I endured ten years of self-torture. I placed pity above my own conscience, and this is the core of my guilt." -Hank Rearden (Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged)

"You should see the kind of human driftwood we're getting to fill the vacancies." -Eddie Willers

"But this - she thought- was man's moral code in the outer world, a code that told them to act on the premise of one another's weakness, deceit and stupidity, and this was the pattern of their lives, this struggle through a fog of the pretended and unacknowledged, this belief that facts are not solid or final, this state where, denying any form to reality, men stumble through life, unreal and unformed, and die having never been born...Her relief came from the knowledge that no battle was hard, no decision was dangerous where there was no soggy uncertainty, no shapeless evasion to encounter." -Dagny Taggart (Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged)

"No one's happiness but my own is in my power to achieve or to destroy." -John Galt

"If any part of your uncertainty is a conflict between your heart and your mind - follow your mind." -John Galt

"If you are not convinced, ignore our certainty. Don't be tempted to substitute our judgement for your own." -Akston

"Don't consider our interests or desires. You have no duty to anyone but yourself." -Francisco D'Aconia

RE: Stacks

"This my excavation and today is Kumran
Everything that happens is from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed

I keep throwing it down two hundred at a time
It's hard to find it when you knew it
When your money's gone
And you're drunk as hell

On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load
In the back with your racks and you're unstacking your load

I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down
In a frozen ground

There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed
And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be
That has brought me to this loss?

On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
In the back with your racks and you're unstacking your load

This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me "
-bon iver

"They say that dreams are only real as long as they last...

...Couldn't you say the same thing about life?"

-Man with the long hair (Waking Life)

It's finally over. Work is over. I am left reeling. Reeling with the thought of what comes next. Thinking about the free time coming up that I'll have to myself...and the delicious alone time. I am so ready for alone time. I feel that I thrive when I am alone. It's not necessarily that my alone time is better than when I'm with others, but I feel that I accomplish different things when I'm on my own.

I want to spark my creativity...paint, draw, sing, make music, read. ANYTHING. I just need to find myself again and really reevaluate my life. Lately, I feel like I've been in a haze, doing my everyday duties, but just floating along, apathetic to the world and things going on around me.

For now, that is all.

From the basement...

"...It's always our decision who we are."

-Philosophy Professor (Waking Life)

It's been fairly busy at the kiosk today, but not because I've had a lot of customers. I've just been busy making a spreadsheet of the hourly sales for the kiosk and the Medical Diner. Of course, my records are incomplete as my boss has just been tossing them into a basket with no rhyme or reason.

It looks so nice outside, I want to just run out there, lay in the grass, and put my sunglasses on. I want to enjoy a nice warm day with no interruptions from customers or bosses or whatever. But I guess I need money to buy that blanket I might sit on outside, or to buy the coffee I might want to take out there with me. Money. I hate it.

Last night, I was thinking more and more about what I want for my life...how I felt like I was already getting old and don't want to just work miserable jobs until I'm 50. I want to travel more. But mostly, I want to feel like my life is worth living. I don't mean I want to work constantly. I just want a nice even keel...work, friends, time to cook and relax, time to sleep. I guess I mostly want time without the worry that I'll run out of money at some point. I feel like, sure I have money now, but what if I lose my job and can't find another one? Do I let that thought keep me working at a job I don't enjoy? Or do I let that thought give me permission to quit and take time to figure something else out. What have I been conditioned to think? But what do I really want?

I know what I want. I want to quit. I want to keep my shifts with my client and maybe even work more for her. But I want more time in the summer, more time outside, more time. I want to figure out school possibilities. I want to allow myself to spend some money on things that I think might make me happy. I want to stop holding back and being scared...waiting....waiting for something. I just need to jump and try out something new. ...I think. *sigh.

"...We have GOT to realize we're being conditioned on a mass scale."

".. it's gonna be the age of humankind, standing up for something PURE and something RIGHT! What a bunch of garbage, liberal, Democratic, conservative, Republican, it's all there to control you, two sides of the same coin! Two management teams, bidding for control of the CEO job of Slavery Incorporated! The TRUTH is out there in front of you, but they lay out this buffet of LIES! I'm SICK of it, and I'M NOT GONNA TAKE A BITE OUT OF IT! DO YA GOT ME? Resistance is NOT futile, we're gonna win this thing, humankind is too good, WE'RE NOT A BUNCH OF UNDERACHIEVERS, WE'RE GONNA STAND UP, AND WE'RE GONNA BE HUMAN BEINGS! WE'RE GONNA GET FIRED UP ABOUT THE REAL THINGS, THE THINGS THAT MATTER - CREATIVITY, AND THE *DYNAMIC* *HUMAN* *SPIRIT* THAT REFUSES TO *SUBMIT*! WELL THAT'S IT, that's all I've got to say. It's in your court now."

-Alex Jones (Waking Life)

Back in the kiosk today. Sometimes I need to read quotes like this to stir my soul up...to stir something up. I get so tired of all this boredom. I know some people say boredom is a choice, that maybe I'm just choosing to be bored. But sometimes, ending your boredom comes with changing your surroundings. And when you're stuck in one place, it's a little hard to make it interesting every single day, especially when it's more of a solitary existence...I have no coworkers for silly banter. I think I'm gaining weight from just sitting here. Alright, enough of that. Nothing I can do to change it unless I quit, which really is a distinct possibility at this point.

The weather is changing and getting warmer and prettier. I can barely see the sun coloring the sky from the corner of the window that's visible from my little kingdom down here. When it gets nice out, I always want to quit my job and laze around outside in the grass or in my apartment with the windows open.

I'm so tired of everything being a competition. A competition to get a job, a competition to keep it, a competition to rent an apartment. There are too many people in the world and it's showing in so many ways. I feel like life is such a struggle, especially if you don't have enough money. That's the biggest thing. This stupid thing called money. It's just paper anyway and if we run out of food tomorrow, nobody will care about money anymore. Ultimately, people care about their basic needs being met. And I honestly feel like running out of food is a very real possibility in the next few years or decades.

What would I do right now if I could just take off for awhile? I would eat healthier. I would take the time to cut up fresh vegetables for a salad. I would take time to cook with the windows open and some instrumental music on my computer. I would spend more time with my boyfriend away from computer screens. We would go for more walks, take our time waking up in the morning, have more sex.

Everyone is working to put food on the table, but are we really just missing out on our lives? How much time am I wasting in this job? I could be in school, I could be learning, I could be spending more time with family. But I need money, we all do. But how much? A part of me really yearns to go back to school. But when I was in school, was it just a drag? I can't really remember. But, more and more, I'm realizing that I actually might need to go back to school to really get back into my original field. But maybe I want to work in environmental science. I just know I want more than this. I want something REAL. I want to feel like I am actually DOING something...that I am CONTRIBUTING and enjoying myself too. I am tired of life being a drag. It doesn't have to be like this.

inspiration

"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room. "

-Guy Forsyth (Waking Life)

I feel like I may quite possibly be asleep in life's waiting room. My dreams seem more real than my waking life at times...and more interesting, for that matter. When I'm stuck down in this hospital basement with no windows and a very faint-sounding stereo system, I start to feel very trapped. I feel suffocated, almost like I'm stuck in a jail cell...or worse...solitary confinement. Except, I have to wake from my voracious stupor every now and then to ring up a bagel or a muffin for a customer. I swear the customers here could be zombies. They sort of lumber up to my kiosk and take 20 minutes to look around and decipher what could possibly be on that bagel (or is it even a bagel? round dough with a hole in it? is it a muffin? i don't know). And then they ignore my greeting of "Hello" or "Hey! A living (or not) being!" Imagine my incredulous look when I actually see something moving around in this solitary jail cell.

But then the zombies go off and eat their cheap carbs and saturated fat and go off to figure out how to lose the weight they seem to keep putting on. Maybe it's because they choose the elevator over the stairs every time. Or maybe it's because, instead of getting a bottle of water, they decide to get a bagel with cream cheese AND a muffin AND a regular soda...AND...the list goes on. But it doesn't help me make any money here, so what do I care?

And I can't seem to shake buying an iced tea from Starbucks before I come to work, just to help me "get through the day." Today I have a fancy pink tea with lemonade in it. Makes me feel a little more chipper just to see the pink color. If I look up and to the left, I can just barely make out a window. I can see the grey, cloudy skies. But I would rather be out in the rain than stuck under fluorescent lights, looking at cheap snack food while my ass goes raw from sitting all day on a wooden stool.

I'm still reeling from the rejection letter I received in the mail over the weekend..."not accepted for the position. Thank you for applying." Bullshit. What a waste of a month preparing for interviews. The sad part is that I actually thought I might have a ticket out of this cafe/kiosk hellhole soon...but, alas, I seem to be stuck, with no end in sight. I can only hope my sarcasm and cynicism can help me through these tough times. The kiosk barista, in the basement with zombies.