From the basement...

"...It's always our decision who we are."

-Philosophy Professor (Waking Life)

It's been fairly busy at the kiosk today, but not because I've had a lot of customers. I've just been busy making a spreadsheet of the hourly sales for the kiosk and the Medical Diner. Of course, my records are incomplete as my boss has just been tossing them into a basket with no rhyme or reason.

It looks so nice outside, I want to just run out there, lay in the grass, and put my sunglasses on. I want to enjoy a nice warm day with no interruptions from customers or bosses or whatever. But I guess I need money to buy that blanket I might sit on outside, or to buy the coffee I might want to take out there with me. Money. I hate it.

Last night, I was thinking more and more about what I want for my life...how I felt like I was already getting old and don't want to just work miserable jobs until I'm 50. I want to travel more. But mostly, I want to feel like my life is worth living. I don't mean I want to work constantly. I just want a nice even keel...work, friends, time to cook and relax, time to sleep. I guess I mostly want time without the worry that I'll run out of money at some point. I feel like, sure I have money now, but what if I lose my job and can't find another one? Do I let that thought keep me working at a job I don't enjoy? Or do I let that thought give me permission to quit and take time to figure something else out. What have I been conditioned to think? But what do I really want?

I know what I want. I want to quit. I want to keep my shifts with my client and maybe even work more for her. But I want more time in the summer, more time outside, more time. I want to figure out school possibilities. I want to allow myself to spend some money on things that I think might make me happy. I want to stop holding back and being scared...waiting....waiting for something. I just need to jump and try out something new. ...I think. *sigh.